One of the love songs that I have on constant rotation (and by constant rotation I mean I play it back to back for hours -poor Dell- ) is “I Need” by TGT. The beat and  voices are bananas but the lyrics rock my soul! 1 of the lines that I love so much in the chorus says “It ain’t never worth those scars that might not heal.” My, my, my. When I think about the things that I used to do and the things that people are currently doing in their relationships my heart feels a bit heavy. It’s a type of heavy that drives me to be so passionate about The Relationship Stuff’s movement.

Saying I love you is easy. No really, it is. Meaning it, standing by it, showing and proving it day by day is where the challenge comes in. When a mate is physically abusive , has sex outside of their marriage, or does other cruel things, they are NOT loving their mates in that moment.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

 Love is kind and patient,
never jealous, boastful,
    proud, or rude.
Love isn’t selfish
    or quick  tempered.
It doesn’t keep a record
    of wrongs that others do.
Love rejoices in the truth,
    but not in evil.
 Love is always supportive,
loyal, hopeful,
    and trusting.
 Love never fails!

Only parents can kick your behind while saying “This is hurting me more than it’s hurting you” and then when they are finished say “I did that because I love you so much.” Might I add that that’s only in cases where it’s dicipline and not child abuse.

So anyway, that line in the song speaks so loudly to my heart and I can imagine Mr. Gore wondering why I’m singing this song so darn hard… over and over and over again. Well, when I realized the things that I was doing to my husband were actually hurting him very deeply and causing our marriage to smell completely sour, forever seemed to be too long. Living together forever with a stinking marriage was never in our plans.

You see, when ever I was hurt by him (which is inevitable because he ain’t perfect) I’d love less and less. My love was so ridiculously conditional. The less I loved him, the more I couldn’t care less about his heart. My husband was the 1st guy/man that truly loved me. I had no idea what that looked like or felt like. Everything prior was completely unhealthy.

All my husband ever wanted and still wants is to cause me to be happy and filled with great joy. Why on earth would I want to love him less and show him less? How could I utter “You know that I love you” as if it had some weight to it when there were barely any actions to back that statement up?

I read  “The Love Dare” and it changed my heart praise God. The book and the movie “Fire Proof” that it was based off of. They were truly a God send. I came to realize all of the dumb, petty, mean, and hurtful things that I was doing (big & small)

“It ain’t never worth those scars that might not heal.”

Do you have a favorite love song that speaks to your soul?

There is a reoccurring theme going on of women not being able to let go of crumbs so that they may enjoy the entire cake; and it makes sense. The spiritual connection that is created when two people have sex is beyond our human comprehension. It’s so deep and powerful that God said we are not supposed to have it until we are married and also only to the one we are married. As humans we have done and continue to do things our own way and wonder why things are not working out for us. READ THE MANUAL & MOST IMPORTANTLY APPLY IT TO YOUR LIFE. Yeah, it only works if you work it.

So, when women go crazy and can’t seem to get past these men that use, abuse, betray, and belittle them, it’s because they let them into the most sacred parts of their soul and it’s not as simple as putting out the trash. One needs to be healed, restored, and they must transform their minds and ways of thinking; least it shall happen again.

When I began to see myself just a glimpse of the way God sees me, I started to want more for myself. Then I surrounded myself with people who knew my worth and value and they often reminded me and gave me constructive criticism (that’s important). Doing a large amount of self work helps you to choose BETTER MEN and refuse to settle. Sex causes a strong attachment that feels unbreakable because it was supposed to be that way. But God will help you to turn things around; HE is the only 1 that I know that can fix a broken mess.

I want to share a short list of what to do for anyone that may be struggling with this.

10 Ways to Help Get Him Outta Ya Head & Bed 

Head

1) Read the book in the bible called Song of Solomon

This could help you to dream up for yourself a great man and understand how God intended love to be.

2) Instead of 100 dollar Bags and shoes, get yourself some Therapy, Counseling, or a Life Coach

The process is hard and having someone assist you and give you direction could mean the world!

3) Read some great books on dating

This can help you to renew your mind and reprogram you for the next time around if you allow it to.

4) If you have a hobby or a passion dive into it

And if you don’t you should find one. You have to fill your mind and time up least that lonely sting so hard.

5) Listen to messages of truth

There are a lot of great dating messages out there in videos and blogs. (There are a lot of bad ones to but…)

BED

6) Seek out a faithful accountability partner

This person can be 100% honest with you and you them. (You can run the messages I was saying you should watch and read by them and they can let you know if you’re headed in the right direction)

7) Change your number

Listen I know that’s not an easy thing to do sometimes (especially if you’ve had they # for years) but you have to do what you have to do if the simple stuff like not answering the call isn’t working.

8) Don’t Open The Door or let him in

I don’t care if he is bleeding and you are a nurse, call 911!  It’s important to the process that you refuse all of his advances to keep you dangling from his leash.

9) Get Rid of His Residue

This could help a lot if there are triggers all around. Scents, left behind belongings, memories with the colored sheets. Get it out of your house.

10) Replace his old space with God

I even mean sleep with your bible beside you to mentally remind yourself where your heart should be. Giving your heart, mind, body, and soul to the Lord will cause a great man to come and give you what you desire most… TRUE LOVE.

Does this list seem doable or unrealistic? Please let me know your thoughts and thanks for reading!

When I first got married (almost 12 years ago) I had no clue what I was really in for. I thought I’d always be happy, I’d never be hurt again, and my real life fairly tale had come true. The problem with most fairy tales is they often leave out reality and real life. Make no mistake about it, my husband was far greater than a dream come true, but perfect he wasn’t/isn’t. Flaws and all I love him more than words can express, but when I was not expecting to be hurt by him, I was wrong. Unrealistic expectations will disappoint you every time.

There is a huge difference between being hurt by someone who could care less about you and someone who loves you to death. Most people don’t realize this and the divorce rates keep rising. I mean the mindset of a lot of people is “Hey, if it doesn’t work out we can just divorce.” And not working out can be something as simple as agreeing with how the children should be raised or something as petty as money issues. It’s like when we utter “For better or for worse” at the altar, we don’t mean a lick of what is coming out of our mouths…with all those crazy expectations!

I was convinced at a very young age that love looked like something. Love looked like being there always, all the time, and most importantly, being there financially. My father wasn’t doing any of these and my Grandmother made sure that she drilled into my heart/mind that “HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.”  This was the furthest thing from the truth, yet because her teachings were instilled and ingrained into me (even though I fought hard to believe otherwise) my knowledge of true love was wrong. Do you want to know the day that I realized/believed/knew how much my dad really loved me; the day that he died. My emotions are swelling so I must bring this to a close.

When someone truly loves you it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever hurt you because they are not perfect and that’s as simple as I can put it. You should expect to be hurt, disappointed, let down, and saddened. But you should also expect that person to receive help, change, grow, get better, do better, and hurt you less and less in those most painful areas. Sometimes, we are hurt and disappointed because of our own issues and hang-ups, and this is why it’s important for each person in a relationship to receive help, change, grow, get better, and do better. So the huge difference in being hurt by a lover and a person who really has no love for you is this; the person that really loves you will die fixing the issues because they don’t want to hurt you.

Questions: How bad does the pain hurt when you really love someone?

Often times people are so afraid of getting hurt by someone that they completely shut down all together.

They think they are doing their heart/emotions a favor and lie to themselves saying it’s a form of protection.

But if you are protecting yourself from the love of God and others, then you are in fact practicing a form of self hatred.

Tattoos are painful, giving birth to a child is painful. Some times waiting on the right one and going through a bunch of no-go’s is painful,

but in the end when you gain love it will all be worth it!

Don’t close yourself off to love!

 So I know this to be true because I lived in the fake zone for years. So maybe I was able to fool others but the most important people knew the truth (God, myself, my hubby and son) So I had to fix that! The things that I controlled I CHANGED and the things that I didn’t, I ACCEPTED. 

1) Your heart is deceitful and wicked! That saying “Oh he has a good heart” no, no, no, our hearts are deceiving! Here, I’ll show you:

“The heart is is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.” Jeremiah 17:9

2) You heart will have you trying to save relationships that have already died.

3) It doesn’t make sound choices and decisions for your life, that’s what your mind does.

4) Your heart doesn’t learn lessons and it’s very self seeking, (it doesn’t consider the rest of your body!). “The heart wants what the heart wants” but the bad part about that is what the heart wants can destroy your entire life as you know it.

5) Your heart will lead you in directions that your brain advises you not to go in causing way too much confusion and conflict. Don’t Follow, Lead!

How hard do we work at our relationships with those that we say we love? Is it at the same level as our educations or careers; or is it more? Because people grow and change (in healthy relationships) it’s necessary to grow and change and work harder even to stay on top of things. To stay in fellowship or to stay in love takes work, hard work. And if anything else is assumed, than anything is incorrect.

How badly do you desire the relationship to work? Then that’s how hard you need to work on it.

5 Ways To Work Harder

1) Ask questions to see what’s changed if anything and to stay current. (This shows love and interest.)

2) Read books and healthy articles that improve yourself for relationships.

3) Check in to see if your loved one/friend needs are being met. If you find it’s some where you are lacking, do your best to change that.

4) Be in a great relationship with yourself. (Take great care of yourself spiritually, mentally, emotional, physically, and otherwise.)

5) Don’t ever assume that just because your loved one/friend knows you love and care for them that going the extra mile to show it is unnecessary.

Mature men are not afraid to pursue

with the possibilities of rejection.

They know and understand their

worth and that no matter the outcome,

they will not lose.

#WhatGodHasForMeItIsForMe

For some singles its a hard place to get too. Wanting love is a very significant and important part of life, and for many singles its a hard thing to grapple with when you’ve spent years and decades without it or never experienced it . Yes its about trusting the Lord for his best, no matter what that may be, that’s always the answer. But along with that its also recognizing the human condition which is being single can be really hard at times. That’s just it! So its not because singles don’t trust God, singles don’t pray or singles don’t love God, its just that its really difficult at times. Singles (at least the ones I know) go through cycles of being content and other times struggling with contentment. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Many singles don’t express this because we don’t want to be labeled as desperate or not trusting God so we keep these feelings quiet not wanting to seem vulnerable or judged for wanting love in our lives. Now I know there are singles who are consumed or obsessed with their single status and I along with others have been there too lol! So for me the answers have been to trust God with your life, confess your feelings and desires to him for marriage, put yourself in the position to meet new people, live your life by serving God and others, have fun and don’t wait for marriage to make life happen; you yourself make it happen. And most importantly find a community of believers who will encourage you in your singleness and walk the walk with you because again, it can be difficult especially if you try to go at it alone.